Here is a list I once found of UNIX commands that return witty error messages. Some of the commands don't return the same error messages, depending upon which OS you're running (ie SunOS, HP/UX, Ultrix, etc.). Have fun! % make fire Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop. % make light Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop. % why not? No match. % gotta light? No match. % !1984 1984: Event not found. # (on some systems) % How's my lovemaking? Unmatched '. % * How would you describe Obama? *: Ambiguous. % "How would you rate Bush's incompetence? Unmatched ". % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Missing ]. % [Where is my brain? Missing ]. % ^How did the sex change^ operation go? Modifier failed. % ^How did the sex change operation go? Bad substitute. % If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have? Too many ('s. % If I had a ) for every dollar Bush spent, what would I have? Too many )'s. % man: why did you get a divorce? man:: Too many arguments. % %blow %blow: No such job. % \(- (-: Command not found. % sh $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense no sense in pretending! $ drink matter matter: cannot create $ mkdir matter; cat >matter matter: cannot create % cd /tmp % touch this; chmod 000 this % ln -s /usr/bin/touch U % U this U: cannot touch this: no write permission % rm meese-ethics rm: meese-ethics nonexistent % cd ~god Unknown user: god. % ar m God ar: God does not exist % make love Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop. % sleep with me bad character % ^What is saccharine? Bad substitute. % drink <bottle; opener bottle: cannot open opener: not found % alias alias alias alias: Too dangerous to alias that. % cat catfood cat: cannot open catfood % cat "food in cans" cat: can't open food in cans % nice man woman No manual entry for woman. % man pussy No manual entry for pussy. % man rear No manual entry for rear. % rm God rm: God nonexistent % ar r God ar: creating God % Unmatched ". Unmatched ". % write desert desert is not logged on. % man you No manual entry for you. % !bluemoon bluemoon: Event not found. % scan for <<"Arnold Schwarzenegger"^J^D "Arnold Schwarzenegger": << terminator not found % cat 'the can of tuna' cat: cannot open the can of tuna % rm Quayle-brains rm: Quayle-brains nonexistent % cat "door: paws too slippery" cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery % look into "my eyes" look: cannot open my eyes % lost lost: not found % make war Make: Don't know how to make war. Stop. % mkdir yellow_pages; cat > yellow_pages yellow_pages: Is a directory %touch me %chmod 000 me %touch me touch: cannot touch me: permission denied % ar x "my love life" ar: my love life does not exist % ar x "matey, the treasure" ar: matey, the tresure does not exist % talk Gorvachev@Kremlin talk: Kremlin: Can't figure out network address. % talk Comrade Khruchev [Your party is not logged on] % make sense Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop. % make bottle.open Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop. % make "heads or tails of all this" Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop. % make mistake Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop. % man woman No manual entry for woman. % echo '[q]sa[ln0=aln256%Pln256/snlbx]sb3135071790101768542287578439snlbxq'|dc GET A LIFE! % ping elvis.rice.edu | awk '{print substr($1,1,5), $2, $3}' elvis is alive % finger body-of-christ@bread-jar.mass Unknown host % finger huge-keg-party@big-house Unknown host % make ' ' bang ' ' with gun make: Fatal error: Don't know how to make target ` ' % date me You are not superuser: date not set Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988